Lexi Behrndt
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A New Year

written by Lexi Behrndt January 1, 2016

A new year. Another one without you. Another one without breathing in your scent, running my fingers through that soft tuft of hair, without watching you toddle down the hall.

A new year. Another year that goes on while my heart still beats and yours has long since stopped.The cruelest trick nature can play, to steal the one I love.

A new year. It won’t be filled with your big blue eyes, your silly laugh or the smile that made me melt in to the ground whenever your eyes met mine.

A new year. Missing you. Aching you. Longing for you.

A new year. Wanting to make you proud. Wanting to carry out a legacy. Wanting to show the world that you were here, you still are mine. You still matter.

A new year. Another chance to live, not because I always care much about life, I don’t always, but another year to live, because you would want nothing more than for me to take all this love and spread it around.

A new year. One year more of making you proud. One year more of saying your name. One year more of living a life inspired by the boy who stole half of my heart and carried it with him as he left.

A new year. And even with the heartache, it’s another year of living more richly because you were here. Another year in the “after”, when my life has been defined by love and purpose, because that’s what happens when you lose someone you love with your whole heart. You break and then you mend, and your soul becomes richer than ever before.

A new year. One year closer to you.

___________

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A New Year was last modified: June 10th, 2016 by Lexi Behrndt

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Lexi Behrndt
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About This Space

About This Space

Hey there, I'm Lexi.

I'm a filmmaker and [used-to-be] writer based in Florida. I started this website when I was fresh in my grief after the death of my son Charlie when he was 200 days old. I wrote non-stop the first year after his death and then I started a storytelling project called On Coming Alive. After a while, I wanted to step away and keep my grief as something personal and sacred to me. Because of this, I no longer write in this space, but I may someday. However, all these writings will still remain here for anyone who still might just need to know that whatever they are feeling, maybe they're not the only one. Welcome to this space. I hope you find a piece of home here.

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