I’ve been storing up words and phrases, holding them in my heart like I hold back tears. Eventually, both just tumble out, steady streams of pain intermingled with devotion and endless love and grace.
A thousand tears have been cried, all because you, the littlest love of my life, could not stay.
You captured my heart immediately. Two pink lines, weak knees, lump in my throat. My stomach did flips that day. I had nothing but love for you. Endless gobs of it, and I swore to smooch those little cheeks till there were none left. For almost nine months, I saved up all those kisses for you. All those snuggles, just for you, my chubby cheeked, blonde haired, blue eyed, sweet boy.
Nothing prepared me for you.
I wasn’t a first time mom. I wasn’t new to pain, but you broke down every barrier, hurdle, and wall. When I learned that you were sick, and that you might not stay long, I could have snapped right in two. The world darkened, and my body crumbled, and my brain could only work well enough to will my heart to beat. And somehow I stayed standing, tissues crumpled in hand, as tears rolled down my cheeks, watching helplessly as words I might read in a science textbook were tossed through the air over a tiny nursery cart, and people swarmed around you in a frenzy, like bees watching their hive fall. This can’t be happening. How is this happening.
I loved you from the very first moment I learned of you to your first breath to your last, and now I love you every moment after. I thought I already knew what a momma heart was capable of, but you showed me differently. I watched you, day in and day out, fight with resolve, love without boundaries, and muster up a strength that was unfathomable and that defied all reason. It was from you that I learned to be strong. It was from you that I learned to never give up.
When you left, you took part of me. I held you as the numbers fell, and I kissed your face. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to let you leave me. I never would be. And every day, I am bleeding, but it was from you that I learned that when life strikes me down, I can bleed love and grace.
Sweet, sweet boy. If I knew the pain and hurt and stress of it all, it wouldn’t matter. If I knew that I would only be able to hold you for just so long, it wouldn’t change a single thing. If I knew the tears I would cry, out of a sea of millions, I would search until I could look you in the eye, and I would call you mine and choose you. Again. And again. And again.
You’re worth it all. You always were. You always will be.
And me? I’m the lucky one. The lucky one who knew you. Who carried you. Whose life will forever be divided into a before and after because of you.
You will forever have my love. Till my last breath and every moment after.
No matter the distance, I’ll find my way back to you.
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