Ethan’s Story

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As told by his mother, Kirsty.

05.01.15: The day I got those two lines on a pregnancy test
21.01.15: First midwife appointment
05.02.15: First scan. We saw our little “dinobaby” waving at us
25.03.15: We found out our dinobaby was a boy!
27.06.15: 4D scan. We caught our boy swearing at the scanner … I instantly knew he was going to be a little monster. My little monster.

My pregnancy a was perfect up until 35+6 weeks. My sweet, Ethan John Moore was born sleeping August 10th 2015. I went to bed the night of the 6th, and he was kicking away. I woke up, and he wasn’t. I tried everything to get him moving that usually woke him up. I tried hot shower, cold drinks, dancing and even singing and talking to my bump. I knew. I just knew. I didn’t want to know.

We went to Maternity triage, praying the whole way there. This is where we met Rachel. A lady who was there from the start to the end. The consultant got there and scanned me. When he arrived I could tell he was delaying, “Oh, the ultrasound machine sometimes takes a while to load up.” Finally, he was there, they did the ultrasound, and there was silence … “I’m sorry…there’s nothing there.” The consultant said. I keep having flashbacks to that moment. It’s a horrible feeling and most heartbreaking word you would ever hear. I felt like a failure. I had one thing to do– to protect my little boy. Instead, I failed him. I couldn’t breathe, I was screaming but nothing was coming out, and then a piece of me died with him. I was 35+6 weeks.

I entered the hospital a mummy and left a survivor. I went home and just laid in bed thinking. Thinking why me. Why my baby? What did he do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? I got very little sleep. 

I came back the next day to go through the birth procedure. Mum Karl Annie and Kurt were all there for support. I went into the room I was In the night before. All the sadness rushed back. My baby was pronounced dead in this room. I held back the tears. Rachel was there along with another midwife (can’t remember her name) they told me they were going to give me a pill to prepare my body for labour and then I had to go back home and rest and come back in Monday to be induced. As I left the hospital, Rachel gave me a hug and said she will be there Monday morning. I felt comforted she was the most supportive one there. It felt like no one else cared about what I was going through and about to go through.

I was so lost over the weekend. I kept talking to my bump hoping he would wake up and start kicking away like he used to. I layed in the bath on the Saturday night crying and cuddling my bump saying “please Ethan wake up, give mummy a kick” nothing. – I cried again.

Monday morning came around. I went to the hospital I was taken to my room at 10am. Room 6. Another number that will remain in my head for a lifetime. Rachel came in and gave us a little chat about what she was going to do. She explained how she was going to induce me. I got induced at 12pm. A pessary got placed into my cervix I had to lay still for 15 minutes. Rachel kept coming in and bringing us leaflets about still birth and other support groups there are around. She kept coming back to see if I had any pains , if nothing progressed I’d have an oral pessary 4 hours later. About 3.5 hours later I started getting niggly pains. Rachel came back in at 4 to give me an oral pessary.

Annie went out to get him a tiny baby outfit as the outfit we brought in his hospital bag was going to be way to big. I didn’t think she was going to be back in time. As the contractions were getting closer together and more frequent. But she did. She got back about 5.30. I went for a lay down. Still getting contractions. But still no pain relief. They offered me an epidural, and morphine, but I could do it. I didn’t want pain relief. Until about 7-8pm when the pain was just getting to much. I was hurting I wanted my baby to be alive. I was still hoping he would come out of me and wondering if I’d hear a cry. At about 7:45-8pm Maggie came in, she was going to be the lady delivering my baby. Just after 8 my waters broke not once but twice. I was still in my clothes. The water gushed up my back. Straight away I felt the need to push. The contractions were coming fast and quicker and lasting longer. I knew it was nearly over. My baby was nearly here. Rachel came in and said goodbye to us. It was time for her to go but she said she would be back in to see us first thing in the morning l and she did.

8.15pm I needed to push, the midwife told me to go with my body so I did. After two painful pushes my little boy Ethan was out. 8.42pm weighing 5lb 12oz. That painful silence became present in the room waiting for his cry but, nothing. Maggie the midwife gave me a needle in the top of my leg to help deliver my placenta. One last contraction the it was all over. I thought to myself Im delivering a lifeless child. There would be no happiness at the end of it to help me forget the pain. The pain, unlike my baby boy, would live on forever. But there was. Seeing him smiling made me happy. Made me feel at comfort and made me realise how perfect he was to be living in this cruel world. I didn’t get to hold him first. Mum held him, then Karl, then Annie. Karl took pictures on my phone. Then finally, after I had an internal examination, he was placed on my chest – gorgeous, but lifeless.

We spent 3 days with him sleeping in the same room as us. We took hundreds of photos. He went for a poo on my bed and a little bit down the midwife. I thought to myself “that’s my boy.” We dressed him. We held him, kissed him, and told him how much we loved him.

We left the hospital Wednesday night with oral antibiotics after coming off a drip that was putting antibiotics in my body. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my son, was heartbreaking. Around 9:30pm, we said our goodbyes. As I stood over him and spent those last few minutes with him.
I didn’t think i could bring myself to see him again but we did. We came up to the hospital every other day to have cuddles with him. I brought Rachel a box of chocolates and a card to say thank you for being such an amazing support through the toughest time ever but really the toughest times were only just beginning.

Thursday, 27th August was the funeral, and we had to go through the whole thing again. Seeing him one last time. We ordered a horse and carriage for him to travel to his special bed. As he went up the road we followed him In a limo behind. Everyone was looking at the horse and carriage so shocked. And also people stopped to take photos. I had to hold back my tears. It was almost as if people had never seen a baby casket before. He had a grave side ceremony of about 40 people round his graveside holding balloons ready to let off after he had been lowered into his forever bed. As the horse and Carriage pulled into the cemetery we saw father Andrew going over to the graveside and blessing the ground he was about to go in. As we stood round the graveside and father Andrew started talking I broke. The tears started rolling. I couldn’t take anymore hurt. How would you feel seeing your child’s little casket perched above a tiny little hole? No mother should have to witness this with a child who’s not even had a chance at life. Again another piece of my heart died with him then seeing his tiny casket being lowered into the ground.

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