Lexi Behrndt
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Lexi Behrndt

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    Blog

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    Filmmaking

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    The On Coming Alive Project

    Stories of Rising from the Ashes & Coming Alive

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Blog

    I Am More

    written by Lexi Behrndt

    You are not the struggles you have faced.

    At least, that’s what I’ve been trying to discover and teach my own heart. I am not the things I’ve seen, the things that have happened to me, the scars I wear. Trauma and loss and grief are such complex beasts that while I’ve experienced them, I am not going to even pretend to understand them. Our hearts weren’t made to be splayed open, but they sometimes are, and it’s our job to figure out how to carry our stories, bruises and breaks and all.

    What I’ve learned is simple. No matter how many awkward conversations I’ve had, how many times I’ve had to share about myself with a new person, and I stumble around the conversation. No matter how many people may view me differently, no matter how differently I may view myself, the truth is this: I am more than all of that. I am more than the suffering, the grief, the pain. I am more than any circumstance. I am not defined by my struggle, though I am certainly shaped by it.

    To free myself, I needed to learn that I am not those things.

    I am not the pain I carry.

    I am not the suffering I’ve endured.

    I am not the shame that I feel sometimes at having a life that doesn’t fit neatly in the lines.

    I am not bitterness, anger, or woundedness— those things I’m currently healing from.

    I am not the girl who X, Y, or Z. (Fill in the blank with any experience.)

    I am not the strength it has taken me to get here.

    I am not the seconds, minutes, hours, days, or years I’ve endured pain.

    I am not my mistakes, my failures, or my shortcomings.

    [The list could keep going.]

    Why am I sharing this? Why is there a need to? Because I’m not the only one who forgets there is a heart behind the scars. I’m not the only one who is navigating the muck to free my heart from all the layers. I’m not the only one.

    Last week, I spoke at a retreat with others who also had a child die. Every time I show up to speak somewhere, it never fails— my own inadequacy always hits because hello— I am not someone who has special knowledge or who understands life or who really knows what she is doing. So I did the only thing I could do— I shared my heart and I asked them to share theirs. We talked about identity. We talked about healing. We talked about dreaming and growing and purpose in life.

    It’s an awkward thing, navigating life when yours has been turned upside down, rediscovering who you are in the midst of it all, dreaming again and realizing that you have purpose even through the pain.

    When we shared about our hoping and dreaming and wishing again, I was finally able to put into words this transformation that has happened in the midst of healing.

    I am not defined by my struggles. (I have to remind myself of this sometimes daily.)

    I am also not defined by my goals, my accomplishments, or any other fleeting thing.

    My dream is this and the woman I want to be is this: a woman who, in whatever she does, is not marked by her scars, any bitterness or anger or pain, but who is marked by love, by grace, by deep, steady joy, no matter the circumstance.

    I don’t want to know myself as my struggles. I don’t want others to know me as that either. I want them to know me and see a heart that loves deeply and purely, wherever it’s at, whatever it’s doing, in big ways and small.

    I am not the struggles I have faced.

    I am not a broken story.

    I am marked by love, the love I’ve received from God, the love I have for the ones I hold so close, and the love that I want to wrap the world with.

    And in that, I am being set free.

    You are not the struggles you faced. You are more.

    Who are you?

    I Am More was last modified: April 15th, 2017 by Lexi Behrndt
    April 15, 2017 0 comment
    28 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • Stepping Out in Courage

    by Lexi Behrndt April 1, 2017

    It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and spilled my heart, and I’ve needed to sit quietly with my words for quite some time. There’s been extraordinary growth that…

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    18 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • The Sacred Task

    by Lexi Behrndt November 7, 2016

    Sometimes, life is about perspective, about the lens with which we view our stories and our circumstances. In the world of parents who have outlived their children, we have to learn…

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    16 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • It’s Not About Forgetting

    by Lexi Behrndt October 6, 2016

    It’s not about forgetting, Or acting like the scars aren’t there, Or trying not to remember your face. Or the curve of your smile. It’s not about avoiding The pain and…

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    19 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • Be That Love

    by Lexi Behrndt June 29, 2016

    You’re only three now. You don’t know that this world is filled with heartache. You don’t know the pain that rips through hearts every single day. Lives are exploited, wounded, stolen…

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    11 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • Why?

    by Lexi Behrndt June 4, 2016

    I’ve never been a critical thinker or considered myself an intellectual. Introspective? Entirely, but asking the hard questions has never been my forte. Growing up, in the early days of school…

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    10 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • It’s Okay

    by Lexi Behrndt June 1, 2016

    There are no rules in grief. It’s something I’ve read and have even written myself at least one hundred times. And yet, I am only now realizing that for the past…

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    15 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • On Guilt and Shame

    by Lexi Behrndt March 31, 2016

    “When am I going to stop blaming myself?” She was desperate for relief from the weight of guilt. Her son died the year before and the “whys” and “what ifs” played…

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    10 Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
  • Hiding

    by Guest Writer March 10, 2016

    By Jessica Lindberg Hiding. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about hiding. Maybe because I’ve been doing a lot of it. Hiding can feel safe and anonymous. It’s hard to be…

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  • Choose to Hear Love Instead

    by Lexi Behrndt March 7, 2016

    My friend had just had a miscarriage. She shared about it online, openly and bravely. She shared about her grief. She shared about her sorrow. She shared about the pain and…

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About This Space

About This Space

Hey there, I'm Lexi.

I'm a filmmaker and [used-to-be] writer based in Florida. I started this website when I was fresh in my grief after the death of my son Charlie when he was 200 days old. I wrote non-stop the first year after his death and then I started a storytelling project called On Coming Alive. After a while, I wanted to step away and keep my grief as something personal and sacred to me. Because of this, I no longer write in this space, but I may someday. However, all these writings will still remain here for anyone who still might just need to know that whatever they are feeling, maybe they're not the only one. Welcome to this space. I hope you find a piece of home here.

Featured Posts

  • I Am More

    Apr 15, 2017
  • Stepping Out in Courage

    Apr 1, 2017
  • The Sacred Task

    Nov 7, 2016
  • It’s Not About Forgetting

    Oct 6, 2016
  • Be That Love

    Jun 29, 2016

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“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” // Howard Thurman

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