It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and spilled my heart, and I’ve needed to sit quietly with my words for quite some time. There’s been extraordinary growth that has occurred, but I knew that before I could continue, I had to find the courage within myself to take the next step.
I’ve been doing this all wrong. That is, if I truly believe what I believe— that Jesus is the way to healing, I’ve been doing this all wrong in not sharing the hope I have more boldly.
It’s been so important for me to share my hope and my faith, but to be completely transparent, I let the negative comments from others water down my story so that I wouldn’t offend anyone. I realize that not everyone believes as I do, and it’s never my heart to offend. I hate conflict. I don’t ever want to do anything wrong to make people dislike me. I’m a people pleaser, and I fully, 100% admit it. But if I truly believe that Jesus is who has rescued and healed me, then I have no reason not to be honest, not to share my story, not to be bold about my truth, because this is my story. And even further, it is His story of rescuing me.
I’ve shared my story, and I’ve helped others share their stories. I’ve built an entire platform around it (one that is currently on a break because hi, I’m Lexi, and I am tired) and have encouraged others to be entirely honest and own their story, but I’ve been so hesitant to be fully truthful, fully honest, fully myself in sharing my own heart.
On October 27, the second anniversary of Charlie’s death, I released a video of me sharing my faith and my hope. I have grown to resent the platform I built (well, He built), and I figured if that was the last thing I ever shared, I would say everything left that mattered for me to share.
But I haven’t felt in my heart that this is over. I haven’t been able to shake the nudge that I must continue to share and write, but I needed to heal a little more before I dove in. It wasn’t time yet, but I knew the time would come.
So I dove into living. I dove into mending. I tried and I failed but I decided to try again and again and discovered grace somewhere along the way. I fell in love and received the sweetest love in return (I can’t wait to share this story). I removed myself from this place of seeking external affirmation, because likes, comments, and followers honestly mean nothing. I tried for the first time to “be still” and reduce what I was doing, because I realized (a) that is not healthy and (b) I was afraid to slow down and see what caught up with me. I faced the hard stuff, and gosh, yes, it is messy and bleh, but you have to look inside yourself and see it and reconcile with it in order to heal. The shell that I had climbed into to protect my heart from further hurt is not longer needed. I can step out. I have been, but I’ve been doing so hesitantly until I could muster up more courage. I have the courage now.
I made a choice to heal, and I’ve quickly learned that I can’t heal myself. No amount of will power, no amount of enlightenment, no amount of strength within me is what heals me. Jesus is who is healing me, and hot damn, that is so liberating.
I don’t have to try so hard. I don’t have to heal impossible wounds on my own. I can turn them over to Him, opening my hands to Him and He carries the burden for me.
I’m not perfect, that’s for sure, but He is. He has rescued me. He has been good even in the darkness. He is there, even when I’m fragile. He has strengthened me, in spite of my weakness and I can stand and share my heart openly as a result.
Terrible things have happened in my life. I’m still struggling to be proud of the story I carry, but this is me.
My story has included so much good, but it has also included hard things, very hard things, like abuse, like the death of my sweet boy.
But I am more than a broken story, and that is because of Jesus.
Because of Him, I am set free. I am whole. I am made new. I am so impossibly loved and enough just as I am because He has made me so. I don’t have to prove myself or protect myself, and I can own my story and take this strange, endearing little life I’ve been given and use it to show the world that there is good, against all odds, and it is because of Him.
This is my story. As always, I want to hear yours too. Share boldly. Share with courage. Own it, even if others tell you to be a little quieter.
Love you all.