Lexi Behrndt
  • About Lexi
    • Meet Lexi
    • Featured Writing
  • Writing
    • Blog
    • Featured Writing
  • filmmaking
  • Projects
    • Videos
    • The On Coming Alive Project
    • CSP
  • Shop
    • On Coming Alive + Lexi Behrndt
  • About Lexi
    • Meet Lexi
    • Featured Writing
  • Writing
    • Blog
    • Featured Writing
  • filmmaking
  • Projects
    • Videos
    • The On Coming Alive Project
    • CSP
  • Shop
    • On Coming Alive + Lexi Behrndt
0

Lexi Behrndt

  • Slider item

    Blog

    Work & Writing

    Read More
  • Slider item

    Filmmaking

    Rhyme & Reason Films

    See More
  • Slider item

    The On Coming Alive Project

    Stories of Rising from the Ashes & Coming Alive

    Read More

On Guilt and Shame

written by Lexi Behrndt March 31, 2016

“When am I going to stop blaming myself?”

She was desperate for relief from the weight of guilt. Her son died the year before and the “whys” and “what ifs” played like a constant movie reel in her mind.

The question wasn’t a new one to me, and yet, I still felt incapable of providing an adequate answer.

Who was I to say anything when I didn’t even have the answer myself? Who was I to say, “Don’t feel this way,” when I’m convinced that in varying degrees, guilt simply comes with the territory of being a human and experiencing suffering? Who was I to answer when I still have moments of questioning what I should have done, could have done, in all my life circumstances to prevent negative outcomes— loss, heartbreak, devastation? Who am I to tell anyone not to blame themselves and not to spend expend their weary heart carrying that weight, when I myself don’t have the solution?

But maybe that’s the key.

In the face of pain and complexity, when we look into your own hearts, the answers become simple.

So, I came to her, not as anyone who had superior knowledge or wisdom, and not as anyone who thought that my answer could absolve the guilt she was feeling. I came maybe as I always should, a friend, another heart, broken for her with love and compassion, knowing that there is nothing anyone can do or say to take away this kind of pain, saying the words I know my own heart has needed.

…

Friend,

The burden of guilt is far too weighty to carry, especially when you’re already weary and worn down. I’d be lying if I told you that you carried it alone. Guilt and shame have a funny way of digging in their claws when we least expect it.

It shouldn’t be this way. You shouldn’t have to hurt this badly.

This isn’t a burden for you to hold. Guilt loves to latch on, taking captive our broken hearts.

But realize this, and say it to yourself over and over if you have to… This is not punishment. This is not something you did. This is not consequence for bad actions. Do not blame yourself. Do not carry that. Do not hang your head in shame or guilt. Try not to think of all the things you could have, would have, should have done to prevent this— all the things you could have done to stop the pain. All the things you wish were different, and then maybe life would be just right.

It wasn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t hold on to that. It will only serve to tear you down, and they would not want that at all for you. You know that.

You know they would want you to live freely and love fully.  They, of all people to walk this earth, know the power and depth of your love, and they wouldn’t want you to hide it away.

I know your heart is broken. I’m so sorry it is. There truly are no words for this kind of pain, and it’s not a kind that heals with only a scar. It’s a lifelong wound, one that we’ll brush against every day for the rest of our lives. I think we’re learning, over time, it’s not as harsh. It’s just something that just is and always will be. But I think, given a choice, we would both choose, hands down, to feel them, whether with pain or joy, for the rest of our lives than to ever wake up one day and realize that we’ve forgotten them entirely. 

I know the guilt, because I’ve been there. I know it, because sometimes I still am there. 

So when the voice of guilt and shame become all you can hear, let the voice of love be louder.

You are good. You are worthy. You are brave. Your broken heart still has so much to give. You can rise with love.

I look at you, and I see strength and love. That’s who you are, not guilt and shame. You are a heart who has known pain, but also a heart who has known the richest love.

Let that love echo in your heart and drown out all the rest.

I’m here learning right beside you.

…

No matter how you have suffered or what you have faced, you don’t have to carry guilt or shame. You don’t have to listen to it. Let the voice of love be louder.

Join me on Facebook.

On Guilt and Shame was last modified: June 10th, 2016 by Lexi Behrndt

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Comments

comments

0 comment
10
Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
Lexi Behrndt
Lexi Behrndt

previous post
Hiding
next post
It’s Okay

You may also like

It’s Not About Forgetting

October 6, 2016

When All You Hear is Silence

December 17, 2015

Hiding

March 10, 2016

Four Things I Want You To Remember When the Holidays Suck

December 22, 2015

To the Momma Whose Child Was Just Diagnosed

June 24, 2015

How to Be Grateful When Life is Hard

November 19, 2015

My Child’s Terminal Illness Was a Gift

January 19, 2016

Loving a Child You Could Lose {Love In Spite of Diagnosis}

April 20, 2015

Dig Deeper

December 29, 2015

Find Me

Instagram

About This Space

About This Space

Hey there, I'm Lexi.

I'm a filmmaker and [used-to-be] writer based in Florida. I started this website when I was fresh in my grief after the death of my son Charlie when he was 200 days old. I wrote non-stop the first year after his death and then I started a storytelling project called On Coming Alive. After a while, I wanted to step away and keep my grief as something personal and sacred to me. Because of this, I no longer write in this space, but I may someday. However, all these writings will still remain here for anyone who still might just need to know that whatever they are feeling, maybe they're not the only one. Welcome to this space. I hope you find a piece of home here.

Featured Posts

  • I Am More

    Apr 15, 2017
  • Stepping Out in Courage

    Apr 1, 2017
  • The Sacred Task

    Nov 7, 2016
  • It’s Not About Forgetting

    Oct 6, 2016
  • Be That Love

    Jun 29, 2016

categories.

Featured Quote

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” // Howard Thurman

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Email
  • Privacy Policy

@2018 - Lexi Behrndt. All Right Reserved. Designed and Developed by PenciDesign


Back To Top