I’ve been stretching, undergoing a refining lately. It’s taken me a while to put my finger on exactly what is brewing, the thoughts and feelings that are formulating and the change that is occurring within me. I go about my days, halfway, with restraint, holding back, thinking that I need to live and love frugally, as if living and loving was a commodity you could run out of. I write, and I tell my stories, and they don’t feel right. I walk away from an hour of putting words to paper, and something is missing.
Dig deeper, Lexi. You’re only scratching the surface. The voice echoes in my ears, and I know it’s the truth.
At some point, I became content with giving only a little, giving a certain level, just the basics. Maybe it comes with survival mode and living life more like a zombie than living, breathing flesh and blood. Maybe. But at some point, I became content with merely scratching the surface. Of the work of my hands. Of the way I live my days. Of my relationships. Of my entire life.
The surface was easier to handle. The surface was easier to give. To dig down, beneath the top soil, to find the roots, and to give from them? That takes courage and strength. And yet, as tiresome and taxing and truly frightening as it might potentially be, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t want to live my life merely scratching the surface. I don’t want to finish my days with anything left. I don’t need to save my reserves of love and life and generosity and kindness.
I think there’s a time and place for self-preservation. When you go through the thickest of circumstances, you have to take time to heal, to be a tad bit selfish, and to sit back and mend. My mending has long since begun, and while self-care is always important, I know the truth. I know that it’s time to stop living life scratching the surface.
Maybe this is a new point in the healing process that we all have to find. Maybe. Maybe it’s a part of growth. Maybe it’s about rising to the occasion of our own lives. Maybe it’s about realizing there is more within me to give, and realizing that I want to live as a giver.
And I’m realizing this. As the lessons run through my mind. The push for more. I’m ready to take the leap, because I no longer have to worry that if I give all I have, I’ll break. I no longer have to worry that I’ll break if I open my heart. I no longer have to worry, because the truth is, I’ll never regret and I’ll never run out of love.
I don’t want to live my life halfway, holding back as a way to shield myself from exertion and pain. I don’t want to give what I have, and only give what’s easy to handle. I want to give it all, from everything I can, holding nothing back, and never having anything left over. I don’t want to love from only the surface, I want to love from my bones, and let it radiate outward.
Dig deeper. You’re only scratching the surface.
Cheers to mending, coming alive, and digging deeper.
Friend, you have so much to give. When you’re ready, take the leap. Give.
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