Lexi Behrndt
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You Will Find Joy

written by Lexi Behrndt August 7, 2015

It never occurred to me that through sharing pain as authentically as possible, I may accidentally neglect to share joy. Happiness. Laughter. It’s been part of this whole journey— this whole hellish time. Some days, it’s hard, and the fog of grief is thick, and I’m too exhausted to do more than just breathe. Those days happen, too. But what I’ve realized is that moving through the deepest pains of life also opens me up to fully experience the deepest joys.

Especially after the death of a loved one, our senses are almost heightened. This life is short. We are constantly aware. And no time with a loved one was long enough. We learn to savor the all of our moments, and sometimes, we have enough energy to do so. We learn to appreciate the small things, and we claw our way to things like hope. And joy. And the promise that there is more. And we grasp and hold fast to the hope that we’ll be together again.

But there are other experiences— other pains. Other losses. Mental illness. Stressors. This life can be beautiful, but this life can be so, so hard.

If you’re reading this, and you can’t fathom the day you will laugh again. You will. I promise.

Pain is hard, and I’ve had my fair, fair share. And yet, somehow, even in the midst of the darkest days, joy will find you. It may come in soft ways at first. Little reminders. A happy memory.

You may begin laughing just to keep from crying. You may laugh at the irony and mess that is your life. You may laugh when you’re surprised that the world is still spinning and people are still smiling and carrying on and worrying about silly things when your world has stopped. You may laugh one morning and catch yourself, and realize that for a fleeting moment, life didn’t feel so heavy.

You may laugh because you know that it’s exactly what they would want from you, and missing them doesn’t mean living miserably. Maybe, it means living richly. Maybe, it means valuing each day. Maybe it means not taking yourself very seriously. Maybe it means, finding joy, even when it’s hard.

And one day, you may realize that living in the constant depths may last for a while, and the hole that you are deeply in, while it feels dark, has little patches of light shining in.

Maybe it’s in a sweet note from a friend. Or in a hot cup of coffee. Or in dancing on the living room floor. Or in the silly mistakes you make. Or in your favorite song. Or in sweet memories. Or in making new ones.

Light is here. Joy is here. In the depths, it’s here. Find it. Hold on it.

Even when it doesn’t feel like you could ever laugh again, hold on. I promise you will.

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You Will Find Joy was last modified: June 10th, 2016 by Lexi Behrndt

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About This Space

About This Space

Hey there, I'm Lexi.

I'm a filmmaker and [used-to-be] writer based in Florida. I started this website when I was fresh in my grief after the death of my son Charlie when he was 200 days old. I wrote non-stop the first year after his death and then I started a storytelling project called On Coming Alive. After a while, I wanted to step away and keep my grief as something personal and sacred to me. Because of this, I no longer write in this space, but I may someday. However, all these writings will still remain here for anyone who still might just need to know that whatever they are feeling, maybe they're not the only one. Welcome to this space. I hope you find a piece of home here.

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