Lexi Behrndt
  • About Lexi
    • Meet Lexi
    • Featured Writing
  • Writing
    • Blog
    • Featured Writing
  • filmmaking
  • Projects
    • Videos
    • The On Coming Alive Project
    • CSP
  • Shop
    • On Coming Alive + Lexi Behrndt
  • About Lexi
    • Meet Lexi
    • Featured Writing
  • Writing
    • Blog
    • Featured Writing
  • filmmaking
  • Projects
    • Videos
    • The On Coming Alive Project
    • CSP
  • Shop
    • On Coming Alive + Lexi Behrndt
0

Lexi Behrndt

  • Slider item

    Blog

    Work & Writing

    Read More
  • Slider item

    Filmmaking

    Rhyme & Reason Films

    See More
  • Slider item

    The On Coming Alive Project

    Stories of Rising from the Ashes & Coming Alive

    Read More

Loving a Child You Could Lose {Love In Spite of Diagnosis}

written by Lexi Behrndt April 20, 2015

It’s a frightening thing, loving someone you could lose.

When I first heard the diagnosis, I sat in my hospital bed, the same bed in which he was delivered only hours before. A doctor from a hospital half an hour away called for me, and as he spoke over the crackled line, I scrawled the words “Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return” on a hospital room service menu. After a textbook delivery, my baby was whisked away as a team worked for hours to stabilize and rush him off to another hospital. I was told to say my goodbyes as his incubator was pushed to the ambulance. He would be life flighted for an emergency open heart surgery just hours later. I was told they would try everything they could, but his condition was severe.

Within hours, every dream and every plan I had made up to that point lay in ruins around me. Part of me felt a very visceral reaction, like I wanted to stand up and scream out, “SOMEBODY SAVE MY BABY.” The other part of me, well, I just felt numb.

Fast forward to later that night. He made it through his surgery, but the surgeon was not hopeful he would recover. I stood in the dark and quiet that night, after heading back to my sleep room. I was faced with a choice. Should I distance myself from him and protect my own heart? Or should I ensure that no matter how long his life, he would never, ever be lacking for love?

I chose the latter. I couldn’t not.

And I got to give him that love for nearly seven months, and now, I love him every day after.

I learned that when we choose to love these children with fragile bodies, it’s always worth it.

We learn to take the next step by their side, promising loyalty and love to them no matter where the path may lead. We spend sleepless nights curled up in plastic hospital recliners, monitors beeping, and adrenaline pumping so that we are ready to jump up at a moment’s notice. We run on will power, faith, and a touch of insanity as we fight for their lives, as we advocate, and as we learn them like the back of our hand. We live for their smiles, their snuggles, even just a glance of their eyes our way, something that will tell us they know– they know they are loved, and they know to whom they belong. We lay our hearts and our lives down in the name of sacrificing it all for them, and we carry them for as long as we are able, whether we are blessed with decades or whether we never hold them with breath in their lungs.

And they deserve every single ounce of strength, of love, of faith, of hope, of fight that we pour out. They deserve all of our heart, because these perfect, special, fragile children give us nothing less than everything they have.

It’s a painful thing losing someone you love. It wrecks you at your very core. It shatters you, as they take a piece of your heart with them as they go. It is earth-shaking and dream-crushing and horrible in every way imaginable.

And it is worth every single second— every beat of their heart, every whispered prayer, every ounce of love given, every time you held their hand, every tear shed, every smile, every kiss, every lullaby and every single time they looked at you with soulful eyes, and told you in their own way, “I love you, too.” They are worth it all.

Take it from me.

Choose the harder path. Love until you feel like your heart has given all it has, and then give a little more.

It’s a frightening thing, loving someone you could lose, but it will always be worth it. Our children are always worth it.


Join me on Facebook. 

Loving a Child You Could Lose {Love In Spite of Diagnosis} was last modified: June 10th, 2016 by Lexi Behrndt

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Comments

comments

21 comments
1
Facebook Twitter Google + Pinterest
Lexi Behrndt
Lexi Behrndt

previous post
This is Nursing
next post
7 Ways to Support Others During Tough Times

You may also like

I Talk About Him

December 2, 2015

Why?

June 4, 2016

2016, you’re mine.

December 23, 2015

Parenting After Loss

January 22, 2016

How to Be Grateful When Life is Hard

November 19, 2015

To the Child I Cannot Hold

September 25, 2015

Dig Deeper

December 29, 2015

Spiritually Wounded After Suffering

February 26, 2016

To My Sweet One

November 6, 2015

Find Me

Instagram

About This Space

About This Space

Hey there, I'm Lexi.

I'm a filmmaker and [used-to-be] writer based in Florida. I started this website when I was fresh in my grief after the death of my son Charlie when he was 200 days old. I wrote non-stop the first year after his death and then I started a storytelling project called On Coming Alive. After a while, I wanted to step away and keep my grief as something personal and sacred to me. Because of this, I no longer write in this space, but I may someday. However, all these writings will still remain here for anyone who still might just need to know that whatever they are feeling, maybe they're not the only one. Welcome to this space. I hope you find a piece of home here.

Featured Posts

  • I Am More

    Apr 15, 2017
  • Stepping Out in Courage

    Apr 1, 2017
  • The Sacred Task

    Nov 7, 2016
  • It’s Not About Forgetting

    Oct 6, 2016
  • Be That Love

    Jun 29, 2016

categories.

Featured Quote

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” // Howard Thurman

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Email
  • Privacy Policy

@2018 - Lexi Behrndt. All Right Reserved. Designed and Developed by PenciDesign


Back To Top